My five year old daughter has a pair of lovely, big eyes. Because of the mixed blood, her eyes don’t look like either her father’s Scandinavian blue or my Chinese black-brown. Her big eyes are light brown with a little ring of green around the pupil. Her long eye lashes look like her father’s but her thick eye browse look like mine.
   
    On the day she was born, her father and I couldn’t stop looking at her. He suddenly said, “Our daughter is so beautiful. Look at those eyes. I think they are bigger than yours.”
   
    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I heard that. What a foreigner! Is he trying to say his daughter is beautiful or to say that her mother is ugly?

   
    Actually, from elementary school to college, I had always been a member of the Mao Zedong Thought Propaganda Team. I love to sing, dance and be in the plays. People would say that I was not only pretty but also very talented. During my college years, there were many boys chasing after me. Hearing what he said, I was a little offended.
   
    My Mother once said that everybody in her family had single folded eyelids. By traditional Chinese standards, double folded eyelids are considered more beautiful than the single ones. In order to have children with double folded eyelids, her older brother would only date girls with double folded eyelids. My uncle did marry a girl with big eyes and double folded eyelids. Unfortunately, their two children both have single folded eyelids.
   
    Another time when I was going to college in Wuhu, I went to East Wind photo studio and had a two inch black and white picture taken. Because the picture turned out so well, the studio enlarged it and used it as an exhibit in the lobby. The night I brought the picture home, I overheard my mother telling my father: “What a beautiful child. It is such a pity that she does not have double folded eyelids. Otherwise, she would be just perfect.
   
    Both my son and my daughter have double folded eyelids. Especially my daughter, whenever I am getting ready to punish her for the mischief she is in, as soon as she blinks her big eyes at me, I would melt down.
   
    On my daughter’s third birthday, I was combing her hair when she suddenly started to make up and sing a song:
   
   When I grow up, I will be like my Mother.
   I will be tall, thin and pretty.
   I will have beautiful long hair,
   I will marry my boy friend Trevor.
   
   I will wear white wedding dress with pink lipsticks.
   There will be flowers everywhere.
   All the friends and relatives will be there,
   To watch me and my husband Trevor dance.
   
    Trevor is her 3 year old friend at preschool. Listening to her singing with such beautiful lyrics and tones, I could hardly believe my ears.
   
    My thoughts went back to my own childhood. I did not meet my father until I was 3 years old. Two months before I was born, my father was labeled an ultra-rightist and sent to a concentration camp in Northern China. Because of Father, Mother was also expelled out of Beijing and sent to Anhui province, several thousand kilometers away.
   
    Arriving at a new city, Mother did not know anybody. She had to work very hard to support my older brother and me. It happened to be the “three years of great famine”, and “Great Leap Forward” period. When I was two years old, I was dying of starvation. Mother sent me to live with her mother and brothers’ families near Beijing to save my life.
   
    A year later, Mother showed up one day unexpectedly with Older Brother. It turned out that Father was transferred to a new concentration camp. He was starving to death. Mother came with Older Brother to see Father for maybe the last time. On my third birthday, Mother said that she will bring me to meet Father for the first time as my birthday present. I was so happy.
   
    Early in the morning, Mother combed my hair, put clean clothes on me and we left the house. First we rode a bus to the train station. Then we sat on a slow train for a few hours. Then we walked on a rocky road for a long time and finally arrived at the concentration camp with barb wired tall walls. I was tired and scared and fell asleep in Mother’s arms.
   
    After a while, Mother woke me up gently and said that Father was here. I opened my eyes and saw a stranger in rags with only skin and bones left smiling at me. He looked so scary that I burst into tears. Mother tried to calm me down. Father just stood there and did not know what to say. Pretty soon he was called back by the guard and left.
   
    I cried a lot during my stay with Grandmother. Because neither of my parents was around, Grandmother gave me extra love, care and tenderness. Every meal, she would let me eat first. If there were leftovers, she would eat them. Otherwise she would just go hungry. After a while, Grandmother became very sick from lack of food.
   
    No matter how much Grandmother protected me, I would cry for hours if any of my cousins teased me. Sometimes, I would start crying for no apparent reason at all. My eyes were always red, like a rabbits’ eyes. My cousins gave me the nickname “Rabbit Eyes.” At that time, I think even if I had double folded eye lids, my eyes would not look so pretty anyway.
   
    That winter, Father was released from the concentration camp to get medical help. I went back to live with my parents. Whenever I missed Grandmother, I would cry. I still had the “Rabbit Eyes”.
   
    The next summer, Grandmother died. I cried and cried. But none of my cousins called me “Rabbit Eyes.”
   
   My daughter likes to sing, dance and play sports. We do our best to educate her. Half of our weekends are spent on taking her to ballet, ice skating, gymnastic and other lessons. She can read simple books and can do simple arithmetic.
   
    A few days ago, my daughter told me: “Mommy, when I grow up, I will be a model or actress. I will make lots and lots of money to buy you a big palace.”
   
   My smart, lovely, silly child, no matter what you do, no matter how much money you make, Mommy will always love you, spoil you, and take care of you. Mommy don’t want a palace. My only wish is that you will not suffer so much like your Mommy did, that you will never feel the pain of starvation.
   
    May your beautiful, big eyes never become “rabbit eyes.”
   
   *************************************
   
   Emily Wu, California, 1996

此文于2009年01月17日做了修改